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Bed Romance

I can hardly stand it. I should not feel like this even now. I can't stop it from creeping around the edge of my mind and enveloping my mind. Can I continue? Is there a points?
Jealousy. Anger. Betrayal.
Trust fails only for that one point. Without trust, there is no love. God fucking dammnit.

I'll Keep You My Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
Who has to know?

Fuck it, I know you're there

I love you. No other way around it. I love you. I love you so much and I'm sorry.

You told me to be strong and that you would accept me moving on. I am being strong.
I'm sorry. I really wish I could get over you if only for your sake, to let you move on in peace, to pursue others who understand you better...
but my heart, my body and my mind refuse to let you go. They are the ones being strong and they absolutely refuse to let you go, as though they are apart from me.
I have no say on what they want, they control me and I live through them.

I can be so stupid sometimes, and no words of comfort will change that fact. You know it was stupid, I know it was stupid. I hate that it happened. Its forever a stain in my life, but I know I will eventually be able to look back at it and have learned.

It was torture, and still is.

But I am in with love you.
And really? The only thing that keeps me holding on is the hope that some day you'll look at me with those eyes you used to, unclouded by any other emotion save for the unrelenting love you feel for the woman standing in front of you. I stay for the hope that you'll believe in those words you used to say while holding me like your life depended on it. I'll wait, till you can talk to me again the way you used to before you had anything to compare me against and began to retreat.

I love you and I can't stop. Even if it kills me, I'll love you and hope.

What silly creatures humans can be.

"It left without you."

    'Oh how could I be so dumb?' the girl thought, running through the station as fast as she could.
    She clutched her luggage, trying desperately not to let it go as it jostled and bumped against her but she couldn't slow down.
    She had been sitting in the small cafe across the street when she had heard it. The whistle was going off. She had hurriedly apologized to the waiter, leaving what she thought was an appropriate amount to cover what she had ordered, grabbed her bags and ran outside as fast as her legs could carry her.
    'Please let me make it! Please let me make!' she pleaded in her head, urging her now burning legs to go faster.
   She could hear the sounds of a giant machine moving, she could smell the smoke as it started to spread through the station. Looking up she saw her platform number and sprinted the last few yards towards it. Throwing the door open she skidded inside and tripped over her luggage landing forward, hitting her chin on the concrete ground.
    "Ow." she winced, sitting up as quickly as she could and gripping her now throbbing lower jaw.
    A man was standing there, watching her, dressed in a uniform and a look of shock on his face.
    "Are you alright?" he asked.
    Still clutching her chin, she looked towards him feeling dazed. She was suddenly confused by his question.
    "You took quite a fall there, do you need help?" he walked towards her and picked up her bags that were now laying about.
    "Do I need...?" she looked down at the ground, then at what he was picking up.
    She started, scrambling up and reaching for her bags.
    "The-the train! I need to catch the train!"
    "Oh," the man answered, now looking apologetic, "I'm sorry Miss, but you just missed it. It left without you."
    Her mouth felt dry. The pain in her jaw disappeared as her whole body went numb.
    "....And the next one?" she whispered.
    The man looked even more sheepish now, "Well...we don't know if there's going to be a next one." He placed her bags next to her, "I'm sorry but you're stuck here until we get word of another train...but you should know, we were told this was going to be the last train out."
    She reacted when he said those last words, looking at him and grabbing on to the uniform, "But you said there could be word of another. When will that be?"
    "Uh..." the man said, pulling her hands from his clothes, "Nobody really has any idea. Miss, I'm really sorry. You're allowed to stay here as long as you want." the man got up and began to walk towards the door.
    He paused and turned to the girl who was still sitting on the ground, a red scratch on her chin. Tears were slowly running down her face,  beginning to pool at her knees. She stared out on to the empty platform wondering why the train had left without her. Maybe she should have been faster....or she could have been smarter and known not to go to the small cafe, but she had gotten hungry; Maybe should have had a stronger will....
    "Don't worry." the man called back to her, "I'm sure you'll catch a train someday." and shut the door.

Tags:

I can't make a habit of this.

I have been trying to act as normal as possible. I have been trying to follow the advice a friend gave to me, to 'Go about your business and live your life. Yours. Not his, yours.' I go out, smile, surround myself with friends, even with him...but then i get home, crawl under the covers, squeeze DeathPig and Whats-his-Name Pig and cry thinking about how he doesn't feel the same about me.

Sounds pathetic i know. ^-^;

Everyone who considers themselves my friend knows I want to be an actress, but even actors have limits to what they can do. They all have that character they can only take so far before it doesn't work anymore and becomes unbelievable.
Mine is starting to crack.

Maybe I still need to give it time. It only happened, what? 18 days ago? Hmm..two weeks already.
Time, you are cruel.
Emotions, you are by far crueler.

Do I want the same old comfort? That comfortable niche where I can't get hurt? Too late for that. It is a wound that will leave a scar. No, I don't want familiarity, I want the man back in my life because my heart is screaming that I shouldn't let go. My brain is telling me that even if he did come back, it would never survive being one sided. It was his decision, he made up his mind, I have to trust that he knew what he was doing..
.
.
.
.
So once again, I'm going to crawl under those covers, hope to the high heavens the gods can hear me, help me shut the voices up and help me sleep properly, I'll hold on to those two pigs as tightly as I can, and cry thinking about how he doesn't feel the same about me.

I should be sleeping.

He seems happier.
Albeit with a fever at the moment but overall happier.

Maybe this is what he needs.

I'm fine with it though. True, I want something else, but for now I'm fine with it. We played friends once before, we should be able to do it again without any harm. We'll see how this turns out but I can be his friend. Always.

Still, I can't help but  wish this will become his 'lost weekend'...if shorter.

Tags:

Till I reach the finish line

Im running in the rain
On a dark and cloudy day
Wondering if you'll hear
What I have to say
I cant seem to slow down when i worry about you
And i'm running, i'm running to you

I wanna see you fall so i can help you up
catch you at the bottom push you back to the top
I cant seem to slow down when i worry about you
And i'm running, i'm running to you

Im running through the music
Stepping on each note
im running through the pictures
playing everyones role
i'm running to the top
im running to the bottom
And i'm running, i'm running to you

Running from the fear of not knowing where to go
from the questions i dont ask and the answers i dont know
im running through myself and through everybody else
And im running, running to you
so im running, im running to you

im running till this world becomes a better place
im running not to lose this human race
im know i can make it when im holding your hand
so im running, im running to you

Im running and im breathless but i have to go on
these steps are the beat and im singing this song
Hear it on the stereo wherever you are
and im running, im running to you

im running from the past and from all my mistakes
im running and im sorry if I cant stay in one place
theres no where i can go that can stop me from running
so im running, im running to you

im running till this world becomes a better place
im running not to lose this human race
im know i can make it when im holding your hand
so im running, im running to you

Im running and im breathless but i have to go on
these steps are the beat and im singing this song
Hear it on the stereo wherever you are
and im running, running to you to you

im running from the past and from all my mistakes
im running and im sorry if I cant stay in one place
theres no where i can go that can stop me from running
so im running, running to you to you

Tags:

Talking only me and you...

if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
handled all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one would surprise me unless you do

i can tell there's something goin' on
hours seem to disappear
everyone is leaving i'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do
where we are going to
we can stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you
(repeat)
talking only me and you

talking only me and you
talking only me and you

My heart is open in all the wrong ways.

At first I was sad, I felt helpless. It was only natural. This is one of those situations where anything you do might make it worse. Everything I *was* doing was making it worse. I didn't know how to handle it, it was completely out of my control, it involved me, and I had no control. Now, I think I'm just angry. Angry and hurt.

Scratch that, I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.

I've never really thought myself a hopeless romantic but the more I look at it, i realize I kind of am. I believed that when two people loved each other very much it would be happily ever after, with a some work of course. I know that view seems a little childish, but so what? I am childish. I'm still growing. I have not yet passed my childishness and thats who I am.

These past few weeks, I have felt as though someone has been taking a chisle to my heart, tapping repeatedly a few times a day, causing it to fracture little by little. It feels so weird, a heart shouldn't have to go through this so long.

I used to get love to fill in those little cracks, I used to think that love could hold things together; a heart, a mind, people..but apparently love isn't enough. Not even fucking close.